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[thirtythird]

@ wlawford
room 023; bunk 025 (with loki odinson)
text ✰ voice ✰ holovid

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[thirtythird]

Terribly. [Another brief pause, picking carefully through his own thoughts.] Do you know tigers, darling?

[dothelokimotion]

I have heard of them, yes.

[thirtythird]

I met a man, once, who kept them. Brutal, vicious creatures, but they minded him. Killed for him. It must have made him feel-- properly invulnerable. No one in their right mind would try to battle through tigers to get to him.

[A soft laugh.] And then someone did. [He's mentioned Richard Sharpe before, he's certain, but it isn't important now.] And... for a long time, I thought it wasn't possible for anyone to be more... utterly vicious than a man who would throw himself against a tiger to survive.

Do you follow me, darling?

[dothelokimotion]

[ there is a long moment of silence that seems to drag before loki speaks, his voice choked. ]

Can — Can someone like that really be loved? Is it possible?

[thirtythird]

I'm absolutely certain of it.

[And absolutely tapping at the door now.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ there's very little movement. as if loki was already waiting by the door. his palms are pressed against it and for a minute, he feels his stomach drop queasily. but he opens the door. ]

[thirtythird]

[It's a little better, being face to face. It's a little easier (if a little more painful) to speak directly, to see what lands and what flits away without finding its mark.

William sways, almost entering the space but not yet able to.]

I loved the man who fought tigers. Deeply, properly. Like a brother--like something more than blood. But... all his ferocity was-- selfish. Was to keep himself alive, moving forward.

[A brief pang; another uncomfortable thought that he was only alive for someone else's ambition. It's soothed by taking another breath focused on the god before him.]

Yours... isn't. If-- If Thor stood before a tiger, if-- I were under its claws, I... I know you would be ferocious on our behalves.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki makes a pained sound, as if the floodgates have been released before he swoops down to kiss william soundly, his hands reaching to cradle his face as if loki is holding the most precious thing in the world. and he was. he was.

he wasn't all selfish. he wasn't all terrible. and william was here. and loki was still loved. ]

[thirtythird]

[There's a wave of relief. There's a wave of the familiar sensation of safety while being held this way by these hands. Then everything settles into the comforting wash of adoring and feeling adored, warm and easy and entirely natural.

His own fingers catch tight hold at the back of his husband's shoulders, clinging to the kiss.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki deepens the kiss with a whine, fervent, needy. like a crescendo in his heart. he had to make sure william knew, that he felt every beat of loki's heart against his own. ]

[thirtythird]

[It isn't words, but the sensation is absolutely deafening. This is palpable; this is reality, as best as he's ever felt he understood it.

It's impossible to break from the kiss, but somewhere in the breathlessness of it all, a soft murmur of] I'm certain of you [manages to escape into the lack of space between them.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ he breathes it in, swallows it whole. he can taste the salt on his own lips. his fingers tremble. ]

I — I'm trying.

[thirtythird]

You are.

[He's certain of that as well. He feels it through the back of his own skull as he presses his forehead to Loki's almost painfully hard.]

I see it. I know it.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki chokes down a sob, pressing his palms against william's neck, his thumb brushing against the lines of his face. ]

As long as you do.

[thirtythird]

Of course, my own. [The truth gets easier and easier, day by day.] Do you? Do you-- know how much you're trying? Do you see yourself?

[dothelokimotion]

[ he shudders. ]

I think so.

[thirtythird]

[Nodding hurts a little, foreheads still pressed together too tight. It abates slightly as he shifts for another needy kiss, fingers tensing further at Loki's shoulder.]

You can do this, love.

[dothelokimotion]

[ he grasp william's wrists, like lifelines. ]

Will you stay?

[thirtythird]

Of course.

[Now. Forever. It's all the same tangled ball of devotion.]

There's nowhere else I'd rather be.

[dothelokimotion]

[ his shoulders sag in relief as he presses his lips to william's palm to still the trembling. ]

[thirtythird]

It's rotten, lonely work, mo chridhe, but I promise you you are not alone.

[Saying isn't fixing, but it has to help a little.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki gives a jerky nod at that. ]

I know. I . . . I know I'm not.

[thirtythird]

Good.

[His hand shifts, cupping gently at his husband's cheek to angle for a firm kiss to the forehead.]

God, but I adore you.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki manages a tremulous smile as he manages another kiss to william's wrist, right over the pulse point. ]

Thank you for . . . coming to get me.

[ a pause, wavering. ]

Long ago, I . . . fell. I let go. I looked into my father's face and I saw nothing. I was falling and falling and I think — I think I was screaming. Beginning. Time and space — it lost all meaning. I don't know how long I was there.

All I knew was . . . no one came for me.

[thirtythird]

[His own breath comes with a soft shake, settling the new point of knowledge into the patchwork of Loki.]

You've been taught your own worth so poorly.