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[thirtythird]

@ wlawford
room 023; bunk 025 (with loki odinson)
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[thirtythird]

Try.

[William doesn't want to dislodge an inch of being close together, but his fingers do scramble slightly to find his husband's. The press of his own ring digging into his skin when he holds tight is infinitely reassuring.]

Try with me.

[dothelokimotion]

[ tendrils of warmth slip around loki's heart as he twines their fingers togethers, rings glinting. ]

As you wish.

[thirtythird]

[There's a gentle prickling of relief, but it doesn't stop the tightness of his grip.]

And you?

[dothelokimotion]

. . . I want to be here. With you.

[ but what loki doesn't have yet is the ability of believing whether he should be here. he crawled out from the other side and he doesn't know where this journey will take him. to his death? to a future?

when you keep losing, keep dying, no matter what you do, it's hard to feel that this is right. that there should be air in your lungs. ]

[thirtythird]

[That feels real. That feels like an extension of the hand in his own, the body his own is curled against; the wonderful tangled sensation keeping his heart tethered here.]

Then we've some work ahead of us, love.

[dothelokimotion]

[ his fingers tighten briefly. ]

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. All I know is that I must do it. I must move forward.

[thirtythird]

To be a good husband?

[dothelokimotion]

To be . . . worthy.

[thirtythird]

Of loving yourself?

[That does seem to be the sticking point.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki is not sure that's right. he just knows that if he felt worthy, the true worth, it wouldn't be so hard to believe in love and everything else. so he nods. ]

I think I could believe that worth, it would be easier.

[thirtythird]

I'm certain you can.

[He's certain of Loki.]

One day at a time.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki leans against william. ]

Okay . . . okay.

[thirtythird]

Thank you, my own.

[There will be more like this he's certain. The unwinding of deep hurts won't be an easy path. Perhaps the hope should be more fragile.

It isn't.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki curls his fingers around william's hand and raises it to his lips so he can lay little kisses on his knuckles, leaving a lingering one around his ring. ]

You are my husband. By choice, by soul. I want no other.

[thirtythird]

[Each brush of lips draws a calmer, easier breath. His own are lifted to press against Loki's temple, firm and present.]

Will you not be kinder to my husband, then?

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki manages a weak nod. ]

Of course.

[thirtythird]

You are my husband.

[Even now, it's a wonderful truth to be able to murmur against Loki's skin.]

You are my choice. You are my joy.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki chokes out a sob as he curls closer around william. ]

Mine.

[thirtythird]

Ah, mo chuisle.

[There's no elegance to tucking his husband in against himself. It doesn't matter. What matters is being warm and solid and real, holding just a hair tighter than comfortable so that the sensation will linger.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ he presses his face to the nape of william's neck, letting the shivers run its course. ]

[thirtythird]

There's a love.

[This aches. This rips at the heart. This will pass, and that certainty makes it easy to keep a steady heartbeat and even breath, lips pressing soft deliberate kisses against Loki's hair.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ in a low whisper. ]

Never doubt. That I — That I — never doubt.

[thirtythird]

[His breath comes in a soft puff, nose nudging into its familiar spot at his husband's temple.]

I know.

[It's impossible not to worry. It's difficult not, in the odd moment of self-doubt, to forget.

But, at his core, he knows.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki visibly struggles, tripping over his words in a hoarse whisper. but it needs to be said, he has to say it. he cannot go on without saying them, without william knowing. ]

Never doubt . . . that I love you.

[thirtythird]

[Odd, how wonderful things can knock the breath from one's lungs. Strange, how being curled tight against such immense hurts can be brightened with the crystallization of a known truth.

There's knowing, perhaps, and there's knowing.

Almost in spite of himself, his lips twist up at the corners, twitching against Loki's skin.]

I know it. I feel it. Always.