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[thirtythird]

@ wlawford
room 023; bunk 025 (with loki odinson)
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[thirtythird]

I expect some do marry for love. I-- hope some do.

[It does seem, from what he's seen here, that the arc of human history was bending toward allowing that to become far more of the norm.]

But it isn't what I'd have been used for. [An easy word in context, if odd against the truth of the ring he's wear now.] There would have been a negotiation over land-holdings and businesses, and then I'd have a wife I knew a little to raise the children I'm like to know even less.

[Not a bad life. Not an unpleasant one or a hardship. But not this.]

Please understand, my pulse, how much... more it is, having the pieces of you I have. Having you set yourself to-- trying for me. I don't know what else there could be for you to give.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki absorbs that with a shudder, close to tears. ]

Are you sure it's enough? Are — Are you satisfied?

[thirtythird]

You are enough.

[They can start there.]

And that you try to believe that a little more each day is enough as well.

[dothelokimotion]

Thor said I should learn to love myself. For his sake and yours.

But I've . . . I don't know how.

[thirtythird]

I wish it... helped more. How much we adore you.

[dothelokimotion]

[ a quiet shuddering breath. ]

It does help. I will simply need to tackle my fear that it'll end.

It . . . always seems to end in my experience. Usually by my own hand. I go too far or not far enough. The balance that is . . . required to be loved is . . . always unclear.

[thirtythird]

"Required," Loki?

[dothelokimotion]

[ he inhales sharply. ]

I — That's how I've seen it. You — You need something for people to love you. To be loved. A . . . A quality.

[thirtythird]

[That requires a moment chewing over. It doesn't feel wrong, but it also doesn't quite sit right.]

Have I got a quality, then? Has Thor?

[dothelokimotion]

Oh, yes. Of course. Thor has his kindness and empathy. His heroism. You have your charm and love and — You make everything seem brighter. Like it's easier to breathe.

You never thought twice about — about me.

[thirtythird]

[...oh.]

Really, darling?

[dothelokimotion]

Yes. Of course.

[thirtythird]

[He's tense. He's worried. He's laughing softly all the same, unable to restrain the bubble of contentment rising in his chest.]

I wish you'd spare some of that flattering perception for yourself.

[dothelokimotion]

. . . I don't understand.

[thirtythird]

Only you're so much kinder to me than to yourself, love.

[dothelokimotion]

I — It just feels right.

[thirtythird]

...I know. [As much as he could, at any rate.] I wish this were easier on you.

[dothelokimotion]

. . . I will try to do better. I'll be better.

[thirtythird]

You are already such a wonder. You-- are already enough, just as you are.

[Just to be clear.]

[dothelokimotion]

How can that be?

[thirtythird]

I don't know that there's a proper logic to affection.

What... hurts, Loki, isn't-- you. It's... more the ache of wishing you had more joy of your own.

[dothelokimotion]

[ if you love me, if you love William, the only way you'll be able to make any of it right is to learn to love yourself. you cannot accept love or give it when you hate yourself. that is how to make it right. ]

. . . You are my joy.

[thirtythird]

Am I enough?

[dothelokimotion]

[ oh, his heart stutters at the thought that he's passed along the same pain to william. ]

Yes. Yes. Of course you are. You always will be.

[thirtythird]

[A quiet moment of weigh; a proper consideration.]

I believe you.

[An unvarnished truth.]

Where are you?