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[thirtythird]

@ wlawford
room 023; bunk 025 (with loki odinson)
text ✰ voice ✰ holovid

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[dothelokimotion]

I can't . . . There are certain things I still struggle to say or do. Things I should be able to do. I gave an oath. I gave my word.

I know I hurt you by being unsure before. I saw it. And I . . . apologize. I'm — I don't know if I'm doing it correctly.

[thirtythird]

[Ah. Time for a pause of his own, considering; breathing.]

...thank you, Loki. [They can start there.] I do... understand, you know.

[dothelokimotion]

What do you mean?

[thirtythird]

That not all of this comes naturally. That parts of this will take-- time.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki laughs, an ugly rasp to it. ]

You don't have time. I don't have time. I just need to fix myself. It's simple. IT must be.

[thirtythird]

Why, love?

[dothelokimotion]

Because I'm wrong! I always have been! That's what they all saw, all of them! My parents, my father, they all knew! And there's no one left to blame but me! I made Thor suffer, I hurt you, that's all I seem capable of doing!

I — I need to get it right. I need to get myself right. Everyone will be better off that way.

[thirtythird]

Darling, that's...

[This is still remarkably difficult by voice alone, clunky and unpracticed without the ability to see a face or grasp at a hand.]

Has-- something happened?

[dothelokimotion]

[ silence passes until loki speaks. ]

I . . . got in a fight with Thor. I lost my temper and I think I — pushed too far.

[thirtythird]

Ah.

[It can't be let to sit long. Of all the aches and scars he's been learning on his husband's heart, this one seems the most prickling.]

Will you not be mending that first?

[Putting himself second doesn't hurt. (You don't have time.) At any rate, it doesn't sting as the discomfort of it flits through him without properly settling.]

[dothelokimotion]

We are working through it.

But . . . I feel I haven't made proper amends. And that starts with me. I — Surely you've noticed? That I haven't given enough, done enough for you?

[thirtythird]

[That requires a long, thoughtful moment.]

Do you know what I thought my marriage would be?

[dothelokimotion]

. . . No. I imagine humans marry for love, though some are decided by social status.

[thirtythird]

I expect some do marry for love. I-- hope some do.

[It does seem, from what he's seen here, that the arc of human history was bending toward allowing that to become far more of the norm.]

But it isn't what I'd have been used for. [An easy word in context, if odd against the truth of the ring he's wear now.] There would have been a negotiation over land-holdings and businesses, and then I'd have a wife I knew a little to raise the children I'm like to know even less.

[Not a bad life. Not an unpleasant one or a hardship. But not this.]

Please understand, my pulse, how much... more it is, having the pieces of you I have. Having you set yourself to-- trying for me. I don't know what else there could be for you to give.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki absorbs that with a shudder, close to tears. ]

Are you sure it's enough? Are — Are you satisfied?

[thirtythird]

You are enough.

[They can start there.]

And that you try to believe that a little more each day is enough as well.

[dothelokimotion]

Thor said I should learn to love myself. For his sake and yours.

But I've . . . I don't know how.

[thirtythird]

I wish it... helped more. How much we adore you.

[dothelokimotion]

[ a quiet shuddering breath. ]

It does help. I will simply need to tackle my fear that it'll end.

It . . . always seems to end in my experience. Usually by my own hand. I go too far or not far enough. The balance that is . . . required to be loved is . . . always unclear.

[thirtythird]

"Required," Loki?

[dothelokimotion]

[ he inhales sharply. ]

I — That's how I've seen it. You — You need something for people to love you. To be loved. A . . . A quality.

[thirtythird]

[That requires a moment chewing over. It doesn't feel wrong, but it also doesn't quite sit right.]

Have I got a quality, then? Has Thor?

[dothelokimotion]

Oh, yes. Of course. Thor has his kindness and empathy. His heroism. You have your charm and love and — You make everything seem brighter. Like it's easier to breathe.

You never thought twice about — about me.

[thirtythird]

[...oh.]

Really, darling?

[dothelokimotion]

Yes. Of course.